Monday, June 29, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Ruminations on turning 40
On Sunday June 28th 2009 Laura Lee Wright Bradley turns 40-years-old. Not since the approach of my 21st birthday have I thought so much about a number, an age. I assumed I would take this changing of age in stride but considering the fact that I freaked out and nearly lost my mind when my oldest child graduated high school this year I am fearful of the tear filled frenzy that awaits me on this day.
To be honest I have been preparing my mind for this event. I don't remember being 38 or 39 because I kept telling people I was 40. I wanted to gauge their reaction, get used to the number, and get the compliments, "Wow, you don't look 40." I ate it up like my cat eats her morning morsels of Nine Lives. Of course I should have been telling myself, "of course you don't look 40, your not!" For the past three months I have been holding on to 39 with all my might. I am 39, NOT 40. I'm in my 30's damit!
Why is this such a big deal you ask? YOU KNOW! This is what floors me about this comment. All of you know why this is a big deal. As women age we become less valuable in western society. Oh you can disagree, and you will but deep down in your soul you know I am speaking the truth.
So one of my beautiful and older female relatives recently told me that I should embrace 40, I have earned it. REALLY! Have I earned the stray eye brow hair that have taken residence on my chin? Have I earned the pain in my back? Have I earned the grey hair that is secretly sneaking into my well kept albeit dyed blonde tresses? Have I earned what gravity - wicked gravity has done to my body? (Thank you sweet Jesus and the great garment engineers who invented push up bras! Trust me girls, those assets you so proudly display will some day become your enemy!) Yeah right, just like the stretch marks left by each pregnancy were "earned."
My other concern is the way I act. I can say with all honesty that I was more mature acting when I was 25-years-old than I am today. Maybe that is one good thing about getting a few years under your belt, I really don't give a crap about my presumed maturity level.
I had hoped to be a bit father along in my life professionally by the time I reached this point. I had great expectations for my life as a career woman but then I had to go and have four children who put a screeching halt to my professional advancement. I suppose a big title and bank account can't hug you and give you kisses so I suppose I will let the kids off the hook.
I read an article way back in the 1980's that gave the statistic that a woman in America was more likely to be killed by a terrorist than to find true love and marry after the age of 40. What does that say about the appeal of 40?
I will say I am going to fight this monster every step of the way. I can't not turn 40 but I can continue the good fight and try never to look 40.
I can't help it, 40 sounds old. It is freaking me out and that is my random thought of the day. Now I will pour another glass of wine and begin to wrap my head around this turning of a page.
To be honest I have been preparing my mind for this event. I don't remember being 38 or 39 because I kept telling people I was 40. I wanted to gauge their reaction, get used to the number, and get the compliments, "Wow, you don't look 40." I ate it up like my cat eats her morning morsels of Nine Lives. Of course I should have been telling myself, "of course you don't look 40, your not!" For the past three months I have been holding on to 39 with all my might. I am 39, NOT 40. I'm in my 30's damit!
Why is this such a big deal you ask? YOU KNOW! This is what floors me about this comment. All of you know why this is a big deal. As women age we become less valuable in western society. Oh you can disagree, and you will but deep down in your soul you know I am speaking the truth.
So one of my beautiful and older female relatives recently told me that I should embrace 40, I have earned it. REALLY! Have I earned the stray eye brow hair that have taken residence on my chin? Have I earned the pain in my back? Have I earned the grey hair that is secretly sneaking into my well kept albeit dyed blonde tresses? Have I earned what gravity - wicked gravity has done to my body? (Thank you sweet Jesus and the great garment engineers who invented push up bras! Trust me girls, those assets you so proudly display will some day become your enemy!) Yeah right, just like the stretch marks left by each pregnancy were "earned."
My other concern is the way I act. I can say with all honesty that I was more mature acting when I was 25-years-old than I am today. Maybe that is one good thing about getting a few years under your belt, I really don't give a crap about my presumed maturity level.
I had hoped to be a bit father along in my life professionally by the time I reached this point. I had great expectations for my life as a career woman but then I had to go and have four children who put a screeching halt to my professional advancement. I suppose a big title and bank account can't hug you and give you kisses so I suppose I will let the kids off the hook.
I read an article way back in the 1980's that gave the statistic that a woman in America was more likely to be killed by a terrorist than to find true love and marry after the age of 40. What does that say about the appeal of 40?
I will say I am going to fight this monster every step of the way. I can't not turn 40 but I can continue the good fight and try never to look 40.
I can't help it, 40 sounds old. It is freaking me out and that is my random thought of the day. Now I will pour another glass of wine and begin to wrap my head around this turning of a page.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Home Health Care
Home Health Care. This was a term I assumed was reserved for the gravely ill and the gravely old, but I was wrong. I had an introduction to home health care this evening but before I go into much detail let us ruminate on this "home health care" for a moment. Correct me if I am wrong but do we not live in a society which has forced warning on the side of coffee cups that the contents of the cup is hot? Do irons not come with very plain instructions that it is not to be used on clothes while you are wearing them? However, health care Americana trusts us with our own IV's and other sharp objects complete with medications that could possibly kill us if used incorrectly. I'm sorry if I don't understand how we are too stupid to realize that coffee is hot and one should not iron on one's body, but we can comprehend do it yourself medical procedures.
My husband has a serious sinus infection which has been a wall against normal antibiotics so our last line of defense before surgery is IV antibiotics for ten days to be administered at home. The whole idea freaked me out, Nurse Happy Pants I am not. In my house and you are over the age of 12 and you are sick you are basically on your own and don't throw up anywhere but in the bathroom. Thank God my sister lives with us and she was in veterinary medicine for her career because dog doctoring is the best you are going to get in this environment.
Enter the home heath nurse. We will call her Patty to protect the innocent from my sarcasm. Patty said she has been a nurse since 1986 but Patty took many years off to raise a family and seemed a bit shaky to me not to mention that she was ADHD and easily distracted. This was not a good combination for my husband who has never had a health concern in his life and this was his first IV line in 42 years of living on the planet. For those who don't know my hubby was a weightlifter and he is pretty muscled up. I don't know if his size scared her but when she couldn't get the vein the first time, she trembled through the second but did finally find the vein and began the IV. She read the directions on all the packages before opening and that scared me a bit - had she done this before? Nurse Patty was a very nice lady and we had the chance to spend three and a half hours with her but let me tell you, if my sister didn't know about dog doctoring, I would be a bit worried regarding how I was going to take care of this IV situation as I didn't understand one bit of her distracted (oh look a moth) explanation. I did take some sick satisfaction as she dug around in my husbands hand for a vein as he winched. Listen, this is the man who fathered my children and the last one required an amniocentesis and if you don't know that is where they push a three foot long half inch wide needle into your stomach to fetch some amniotic fluid while you are pregnant. Yea, so a little digging in the vein makes me feel a little bit better.
I am sure there will more to this saga, as the event will be going on for ten days with several more visits from home health nurses, the next one I hear is from South America, I wonder if she is in the market for some English US Rosetta Stone?
My husband has a serious sinus infection which has been a wall against normal antibiotics so our last line of defense before surgery is IV antibiotics for ten days to be administered at home. The whole idea freaked me out, Nurse Happy Pants I am not. In my house and you are over the age of 12 and you are sick you are basically on your own and don't throw up anywhere but in the bathroom. Thank God my sister lives with us and she was in veterinary medicine for her career because dog doctoring is the best you are going to get in this environment.
Enter the home heath nurse. We will call her Patty to protect the innocent from my sarcasm. Patty said she has been a nurse since 1986 but Patty took many years off to raise a family and seemed a bit shaky to me not to mention that she was ADHD and easily distracted. This was not a good combination for my husband who has never had a health concern in his life and this was his first IV line in 42 years of living on the planet. For those who don't know my hubby was a weightlifter and he is pretty muscled up. I don't know if his size scared her but when she couldn't get the vein the first time, she trembled through the second but did finally find the vein and began the IV. She read the directions on all the packages before opening and that scared me a bit - had she done this before? Nurse Patty was a very nice lady and we had the chance to spend three and a half hours with her but let me tell you, if my sister didn't know about dog doctoring, I would be a bit worried regarding how I was going to take care of this IV situation as I didn't understand one bit of her distracted (oh look a moth) explanation. I did take some sick satisfaction as she dug around in my husbands hand for a vein as he winched. Listen, this is the man who fathered my children and the last one required an amniocentesis and if you don't know that is where they push a three foot long half inch wide needle into your stomach to fetch some amniotic fluid while you are pregnant. Yea, so a little digging in the vein makes me feel a little bit better.
I am sure there will more to this saga, as the event will be going on for ten days with several more visits from home health nurses, the next one I hear is from South America, I wonder if she is in the market for some English US Rosetta Stone?
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Father's Day
Sometimes I turn on TV Land and watch those old shows from the 50's and 60's, you know the ones, "Father Knows Best", Leave it to Beaver" type shows. Even into the 1970's we painted pictures of a Father who had all the answers, threw the ball around with the boys, worked hard, made money and read the newspaper. A flawless father who never raised his voice, lost his temper, lost his job or felt less than a man. I know as little girl in the early 1980's I wanted Michael Landon to be my "Pa".
Like the hoax that has for years been forced upon American women, men too, have been sold a bill of goods. There is no perfect Father who knows all the answers and never loses his temper or his job. There is no Daddy who is perfect out there and I would like to raise a glass to those who at least try.
What I find quite concerning in the media of today is the the swing from "Father Knows Best" to "Father Knows Nothing and is an Idiot." Somewhere between an all knowing Daddy and a giant child lies the Father of today. Today's father is a man who was probably spoiled by his parents, who 50-percent of the time were divorced. A man who had few role models and many opportunities to do the wrong thing. In the economic situation we currently face there are many many fathers out there today who don't have a job or whose income has dropped significantly. These fathers are forced to face the fact that they are just human beings on a journey that will end in lessons learned and tasks undone.
Unfortunately our society has also created many fathers who haven't manned up to their responsibilities as well. I don't know if we can put those males into the category of father at all. The best influence over a man is that of other men. I have long said it is up to the men in our society to force one another to strive for excellence and do the right things when it comes to their wives, their children and their community.
Today we honor our Daddies, of which I know many good ones. Here is to you men, you are the rock that can make the difference not only in your child today but who your children will become. Use each moment as a teaching one but the most important thing you can do is love your children. They are not going to remember what toy they didn't get, they will always remember the love they DID.
Like the hoax that has for years been forced upon American women, men too, have been sold a bill of goods. There is no perfect Father who knows all the answers and never loses his temper or his job. There is no Daddy who is perfect out there and I would like to raise a glass to those who at least try.
What I find quite concerning in the media of today is the the swing from "Father Knows Best" to "Father Knows Nothing and is an Idiot." Somewhere between an all knowing Daddy and a giant child lies the Father of today. Today's father is a man who was probably spoiled by his parents, who 50-percent of the time were divorced. A man who had few role models and many opportunities to do the wrong thing. In the economic situation we currently face there are many many fathers out there today who don't have a job or whose income has dropped significantly. These fathers are forced to face the fact that they are just human beings on a journey that will end in lessons learned and tasks undone.
Unfortunately our society has also created many fathers who haven't manned up to their responsibilities as well. I don't know if we can put those males into the category of father at all. The best influence over a man is that of other men. I have long said it is up to the men in our society to force one another to strive for excellence and do the right things when it comes to their wives, their children and their community.
Today we honor our Daddies, of which I know many good ones. Here is to you men, you are the rock that can make the difference not only in your child today but who your children will become. Use each moment as a teaching one but the most important thing you can do is love your children. They are not going to remember what toy they didn't get, they will always remember the love they DID.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The Changing of seasons
In 1990 is was not quite so acceptable to be a single mom. That was the year I found myself expecting my first child. If I had been married and in a secure job and or relationship maybe I wouldn't have this story to tell, but I wasn't and now I do.
For those young girls out there who are making babies with every young stud who comes your way and no one is looking at you with pity or disgust, I suppose you can thank women like me who blazed the trail for you but I am not sure it is something you should be thanking us for.
This week has been a very emotionally trying week for me. I have faced a changing of the seasons. My 18-year-old daughter graduated high school. A right of passage to be celebrated but wow did it throw me into a tail spin I did not expect.
When I was barely a senior in college, when I had my future by the short hairs and I was well on my way to some sort of success, I found another kind of success I had not in a million years anticipated. It was over Thanksgiving break 1990 I found out I was expecting a child. I suppose I could have run to an abortion clinic. I am not an anti abortion person, but for me it did not seem to be the right choice. I felt a need, a desire, a responsibility to have my baby and I did. In June of 1991, about a month after I received my B.S. degree in Journalism, I became a mother and Maryellen Katherine came into the world. Maryellen Katherine was my light, my purpose, she grounded me in a way I never thought possible. From the day she was born onward, every decision I made, every step I took, every dollar I made was not without her best interest in mind. She was solely my responsibility. I think I was a good Mother at the tender age of 22. I put her needs and interests before my own and I am not the least bit sorry for it. I made mistakes there is not doubt, but she turned out to be the most awesome young woman.
What has sent me into may tailspin of this week is her graduating from High School. It is not that my job as a parent is done. I have her plus her three younger brothers. However, she is an adult now, my decisions no longer are about her and her alone. I can only pray I have given her enough of a foundation that she can make her own decisions. I never put this in the plan. I never thought about when she grew up. I only knew that each day I had to take care of her because she was my responsibility and my baby girl.
I am entering a new season of my life. Yes, I am still a mother and I still have young children, but nothing is like your first born. My first born is my precious gift and I have to give her to the world now. I hope the world is ready and willing to give her the love and understanding she needs and deserves. I pray the world is ready to give her Mom the love and understanding she needs as well.
Seasons of life change and all we can do is hope that we have made enough of the correct decisions that the next generation is a little bit better off mentally and emotionally than we were!
For those young girls out there who are making babies with every young stud who comes your way and no one is looking at you with pity or disgust, I suppose you can thank women like me who blazed the trail for you but I am not sure it is something you should be thanking us for.
This week has been a very emotionally trying week for me. I have faced a changing of the seasons. My 18-year-old daughter graduated high school. A right of passage to be celebrated but wow did it throw me into a tail spin I did not expect.
When I was barely a senior in college, when I had my future by the short hairs and I was well on my way to some sort of success, I found another kind of success I had not in a million years anticipated. It was over Thanksgiving break 1990 I found out I was expecting a child. I suppose I could have run to an abortion clinic. I am not an anti abortion person, but for me it did not seem to be the right choice. I felt a need, a desire, a responsibility to have my baby and I did. In June of 1991, about a month after I received my B.S. degree in Journalism, I became a mother and Maryellen Katherine came into the world. Maryellen Katherine was my light, my purpose, she grounded me in a way I never thought possible. From the day she was born onward, every decision I made, every step I took, every dollar I made was not without her best interest in mind. She was solely my responsibility. I think I was a good Mother at the tender age of 22. I put her needs and interests before my own and I am not the least bit sorry for it. I made mistakes there is not doubt, but she turned out to be the most awesome young woman.
What has sent me into may tailspin of this week is her graduating from High School. It is not that my job as a parent is done. I have her plus her three younger brothers. However, she is an adult now, my decisions no longer are about her and her alone. I can only pray I have given her enough of a foundation that she can make her own decisions. I never put this in the plan. I never thought about when she grew up. I only knew that each day I had to take care of her because she was my responsibility and my baby girl.
I am entering a new season of my life. Yes, I am still a mother and I still have young children, but nothing is like your first born. My first born is my precious gift and I have to give her to the world now. I hope the world is ready and willing to give her the love and understanding she needs and deserves. I pray the world is ready to give her Mom the love and understanding she needs as well.
Seasons of life change and all we can do is hope that we have made enough of the correct decisions that the next generation is a little bit better off mentally and emotionally than we were!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
maybe it was a screw up or not?
Okay, since this blog has turned into my saga of quitting smoking I will have to come clean and say I took four quick drags off a cigarette I stole from my sister. I didn't like it much and the taste was rather nasty. I am not over this addiction but the taste was rather horrible and maybe I will remember that. It has been a difficult couple of days. I have been so edgy and then of course one of my kids pushed me a bit too far with their laziness. The good news is I didn't smoke a whole cigarette and I didn't like the taste. God I am so weak to this demon! I am writing about what I did and I will post it so that I cannot deny it.
Can I just say I am a disaster! I have always been a disaster but I have been fairly good at keeping it under wraps but this withdrawal from addiction seems to bring out my crazy front and center. I apologize to everyone who has to deal with it. I am so damned crazy. Maybe some day I will be able deal with all the insanity which in turn will help those around me. I would like to take all these thoughts and turn them into some coherent writings but for tonight they will again be ramblings of a wine soaked mind. God Bless all my friends who have tolerated me all these years - YOU ROCK.
Can I just say I am a disaster! I have always been a disaster but I have been fairly good at keeping it under wraps but this withdrawal from addiction seems to bring out my crazy front and center. I apologize to everyone who has to deal with it. I am so damned crazy. Maybe some day I will be able deal with all the insanity which in turn will help those around me. I would like to take all these thoughts and turn them into some coherent writings but for tonight they will again be ramblings of a wine soaked mind. God Bless all my friends who have tolerated me all these years - YOU ROCK.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
The Saga of Addiction
Addiction is a common problem. If you really think about it you will realize you have many of your own addictions, things that may or may not be good for you but they are things and actions that rule your life much more than your own common sense. These are things you are willing to take risks to have or to do. Many addictions are quiet and hidden and therefore much less evident to your friends, family and co-workers. Other addictions are the kind that are out there in front, showing everyone your weakness and broadcasting your failures to an audience willing to welcome your shortcoming so they do not have to face their own.
I have many addictions, but my most outward, obvious one was and is nicotine, delivered to me via a cigarette. It has been 19 days since I have fed the demon via a cancer stick, although to say I have been nicotine free would be a stretch. There are many nicotine replacements on the market today and I am taking advantage on a small scale of one of those products. I have chosen Commit Lozenge. It seems to help, even though at first they are rather hard to get used to.
It seems so strange to me that nearly 3-weeks into my quit, I am struggling with the desire to smoke much more strongly than I did in the first few days. I am a bit unique in that I did put the smokes down because of a serious lung infection which would not allow me to smoke at all. In my illness, my focus was on recovery more than addiction. Now I am nearly fully recovered and the addiction is taking center stage.
I keep in my mind the picture of a 60-year-old woman in a wheel chair hooked up to oxygen but still sucking on a cigarette. I do not want to be that person and the facts point to the possibility if I were to continue to smoke for the next 20-years.
The fact that I ever began this habit in the first place is amazing. I did not pick up a cigarette from one of my parents (both who were smoking machines). I did not succumb to peer pressure as a young teenager. No, I began smoking at the age of 20. I should have been old enough to know better, but still, when one is in their early 20's it is a self belief of invulnerability that rules the mind. When I was 20 years old, the idea of being a 40 year old mother of four children would have made me laugh, yet here I am.
I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I do know that for the remainder of today, I am not going to smoke. The insanity of the addiction is that I am cranky without my friends, my smokes. Like a woman who won't leave that man who is no good for her, I had a very hard time leaving my cigarettes. I found an old half smoked pack in my car the other day. I felt very empowered when I threw them in the trash without a second thought. I felt strong, empowered, in control. Today, I felt on the edge, barely able to say no, but I did and each day it will surely get easier.
Can I tell you a funny, almost sick fact about this determination? I have an old boss who I very much resent and do not like. This previous boss, a twisted, woman with very little education and a power freak tendency also sufferers from the addiction to nicotine. I think about how rewarding it will be when I see her again and I am able to say "oh, yea, I quit smoking six months ago." To know that I held fast and had the power to overcome something that holds her so tightly keeps me in my smokebriety. It is a sick twisted thing and possibly shows how resentful I can be. Bear in mind this is a woman who tried her best to belittle me because she was threatened by me and I took her immature behavior for the sake of an income for my family. It is going to feel so good to show her exactly how strong I am. I suspect she already knows, but I want to really rub it in. Now you can see my extreme humanity!
If this is the one thing that keeps me smoke free, I guess I will take it and deal with insanity of my inspiration later.
I have many addictions, but my most outward, obvious one was and is nicotine, delivered to me via a cigarette. It has been 19 days since I have fed the demon via a cancer stick, although to say I have been nicotine free would be a stretch. There are many nicotine replacements on the market today and I am taking advantage on a small scale of one of those products. I have chosen Commit Lozenge. It seems to help, even though at first they are rather hard to get used to.
It seems so strange to me that nearly 3-weeks into my quit, I am struggling with the desire to smoke much more strongly than I did in the first few days. I am a bit unique in that I did put the smokes down because of a serious lung infection which would not allow me to smoke at all. In my illness, my focus was on recovery more than addiction. Now I am nearly fully recovered and the addiction is taking center stage.
I keep in my mind the picture of a 60-year-old woman in a wheel chair hooked up to oxygen but still sucking on a cigarette. I do not want to be that person and the facts point to the possibility if I were to continue to smoke for the next 20-years.
The fact that I ever began this habit in the first place is amazing. I did not pick up a cigarette from one of my parents (both who were smoking machines). I did not succumb to peer pressure as a young teenager. No, I began smoking at the age of 20. I should have been old enough to know better, but still, when one is in their early 20's it is a self belief of invulnerability that rules the mind. When I was 20 years old, the idea of being a 40 year old mother of four children would have made me laugh, yet here I am.
I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I do know that for the remainder of today, I am not going to smoke. The insanity of the addiction is that I am cranky without my friends, my smokes. Like a woman who won't leave that man who is no good for her, I had a very hard time leaving my cigarettes. I found an old half smoked pack in my car the other day. I felt very empowered when I threw them in the trash without a second thought. I felt strong, empowered, in control. Today, I felt on the edge, barely able to say no, but I did and each day it will surely get easier.
Can I tell you a funny, almost sick fact about this determination? I have an old boss who I very much resent and do not like. This previous boss, a twisted, woman with very little education and a power freak tendency also sufferers from the addiction to nicotine. I think about how rewarding it will be when I see her again and I am able to say "oh, yea, I quit smoking six months ago." To know that I held fast and had the power to overcome something that holds her so tightly keeps me in my smokebriety. It is a sick twisted thing and possibly shows how resentful I can be. Bear in mind this is a woman who tried her best to belittle me because she was threatened by me and I took her immature behavior for the sake of an income for my family. It is going to feel so good to show her exactly how strong I am. I suspect she already knows, but I want to really rub it in. Now you can see my extreme humanity!
If this is the one thing that keeps me smoke free, I guess I will take it and deal with insanity of my inspiration later.
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